MYSELF...!!!

As the youngest kid, I was never given any responsibility for the family. I spent my free time playing, learning, and reading books, music, and movies. I was never interested in helping my mother with her cooking or in my older sister's sewing efforts. I enjoyed being idle. Grandmother was constantly on my side, saying, "She grows up and has responsibilities; she will do it."

I grew up, got married, and had kids. And I was a devoted wife and a commanding mother. I had my own family... to be at my husband's disposal and raise my children. Everyone has their ups and downs, and I was no exception, as I had my fair share of difficulties. Every day brought a different trail and experience. It was difficult to survive, but I did. My breath of fresh air was the smile of my darling toddlers, who would occasionally come over to give me a kiss or a close hug. I'd look at them and forget about my struggles and problems. My children were my rock... 

 A decade of enormous challenges had somehow ended, and life went on. I had little time to think about myself during that decade. I was preoccupied with raising my children...doing everything possible to ensure their happiness. The irony is that in attempting to create a world for them. I FORGOT MYSELF. They've grown up, are self-sufficient, and I no longer need to follow them around. I don't have much to do right now. I have nothing worthwhile to do besides cook and take care of the house. I am mostly idle. What I used to enjoy as a child, I now despise. I despise being idle. On the other side, how much cooking and bric brats will I accomplish throughout the day? I have been procrastinating in my everyday routine for the previous five years. I'm sick of sitting around or cooking. What was once a joy...cooking for the family is now a source of stress and concern for me. 

What exactly do I want to do...  I want to... I want to... I want to do something but I'm not sure what. How do I get out of this mental quagmire... I have no idea...  I am unsure what will make me happy. I simply want to do something... anything to get me out of the home and make me feel valuable. My self-esteem and confidence would skyrocket even though I earn little money and only a few people know who I am. 

This is my desire. I conducted some study and took a few courses and programmes to reconnect with the world I had lost contact with many years before. Even after completing these courses, I lacked the confidence to step out on my own. I was back at the beginning. I lacked the guts to confront the world or step outside of my comfort zone. It's been a few months that I've been thinking about and seeing other females, mostly mothers my age, who are content with whatever little they have. They appear to be confident, joyful, and fulfilled.

I've always had big dreams but never realised them. I've learned that I should start small and be satisfied with what I can do. I should not compare my accomplishments to those of others. My accomplishment is my personal development. I shouldn't be too hard on myself; instead, I should be content with what I can do.